​Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is A Mother-Enmeshed Man Projecting The Mother He Needed Into His Mother?

Even though a man can be overly focused on his mother and do a lot for her, she might not appreciate or be grateful for what he does. Instead, she can simply expect him to be there for her.

In this case, he will be giving her a lot of his time and energy, but he won’t be getting anything back. However, while he will be used by the one person who should treat him well, it doesn’t mean that he will be able to see this.

External Feedback

So, a friend or a family member could point out that he does a lot for his mother, but that she doesn’t really value what he does for her, he could deny this. He could say that she does value him and that she has a lot going on right now, for instance.

No matter what he says, he won’t be able to accept what is right in front of his eyes. He will then continue to behave in the same way, which will mean that he will continue to give her a lot of his time and energy.

Out of Balance

Nonetheless, as he is meeting a number of his mother's needs and ignoring a number of his own, behaving in this way is going to take its toll on him. For example, it can be normal for him to feel down and drained.

Yet, as he won’t be able to see the impact that his mother is having on him, he won’t be able to join the dots. Consequently, if he does become consciously aware of what is going on for him, he could believe that this is due to other reasons.

Looking In the Wrong Direction

He could then believe that he just suffers from depression or that his job is weighing him down. Regardless of what he believes, it won’t include the real reason why he is experiencing life in this way.

What can also play a part in why he is unable to see clearly is that there could be people in his life who believe that he is behaving in the right way. This will both validate and support what he believes.

A mismatch

If something were to take place that allowed him to see that he is out of balance and is being used by his mother, he could find that there is another part of him that is in a state of resistance. This part can believe that his mother loves him and that she has always loved him.

But, as the adult part of him is able to see clearly, he will see that his mother isn’t behaving in a way that shows that she loves him. Furthermore, this part of him can see that how his mother is behaving is nothing new.

The Same Old Story

He could see that, when he was younger, he had to more or less always focus on his mother and meet her needs. If this is the case, what can enter his mind is that he was more like her parent than her son at this stage and will continue to play this role now.

Yet, although part of him will be able to see this, he can wonder why this other part of him is unable to see this. The reason for this is that this part of him is most likely looking for the love that he missed out on during his formative years.

A Closer Look

If this is so, this part of him will be placing the mother that he needed into the mother that he has. At this stage of his life, he would have needed an attentive and caring mother in order to grow and develop in the right way.

But, as he had a mother who was emotionally unavailable, out of reach and needy, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. This would have stopped him from being able to grow from being emotionally dependent to being emotionally interdependent.

Developmentally Stuck

To handle having a mother who couldn’t provide him with what he needed, most likely because she was also developmentally stunted, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have also involved him losing touch with his connected true self and developing a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

Additionally, as he was egocentric, he would have believed that he was bad and that his mother was good, and this would have given him the hope that, if he became who she wanted and did what she wanted, he would be loved by her. Many years will have passed, of course, but this part of him is still struggling to receive her love.

Moving Forward

For him to no longer project the mother that he needed into her and see her for who she is, and to be able to live his own life, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.