When Your Child is a Bully

Parents want the best for their children: shelter, food, friends, educational and life
opportunities. Yet sometimes, even through a parent’s best intentions, children stray from the desired behavior. Bullying, a dangerous and yet all too common behavior, is typically seen in children who have witnessed or been the victim of aggressive acts. Bullying behaviors include picking on those physically weaker or younger; verbally, physically, or mentally assaulting a peer; or spreading rumors about others either in person or online. People often believe bullies are not social, but this is not true: A bully might have many friends, though these friends may demonstrate similar aggressive traits.

Parents may not realize their child has been assaulting others until they receive a phone call from the victim’s parents or teachers; yet certain behaviors may have been exhibited prior to the attacks. Dr. Warren B. Seiler Jr., author of Battling the Enemy Within, states bullies almost always have a lower self-esteem and so make themselves feel better and more powerful by putting others down. “A lack of empathy can lead to increasing mistreatment of others,” he adds. Other signs your child may display that can signify bullying behavior include:
Destruction of property
Skipping school
Aggressiveness towards siblings or parents
Unfound anger
Depression
Rages
Extreme mood swings
Dr. Helen McIntosh, author of the children’s book Eric, Jose & The Peace Rug
and creator of The Peace Rug curriculum, states that nearly every child who bullies has been a victim of aggressive behavior at one time. The Columbine boys responsible for killing schoolmates had been taunted in school for three years prior to the shootings, while Cho Seung Hi, the murderer of 32 victims at Virginia Tech shooting, was also teased in his earlier school years. “There is a “principle of patterning” that takes place when someone is bullied,” says McIntosh. “If one doesn’t find one’s voice to respond to a bully – one stuffs the rage, focuses on the bully – and becomes LIKE the bully.”

Ways to Stop Your Child from Bullying Others
If you feel your child has become increasingly aggressive, or if you have observed bullying-type behaviors (picking on those younger, hitting or kicking children or adults, being cruel to animals or other children), you should:
1. Immediately address the issue. Dr. Seiler writes in his essay “Cruelty
Free Kids: Twelve Ways NOT to Raise a Bully” that a parent should never
turn a blind eye to bullying, even when time is limited. If your older daughter shoves your younger son while you are busy packing lunches and trying to get everyone out of the door, stop what you are doing and the behavior then. “You simply can’t ignore bad behavior, no matter how small the infraction is or when it occurs,” Seiler writes. “Children must be held accountable. Show your disapproval, even at an early age, and let them know it will not be tolerated.” Allowing a behavior to continue is, by default, reinforcing that behavior. It is a parental responsibility to stop children from being cruel to others. A parent who
knows their child has been abusive to others but ignores this behavior is in fact encouraging it.

2. Teach Why Bullying is Wrong. Seiler goes on to say you must explain
to your child why the actions were wrong and then show how it would be
devastating to the person to whom it occurred. If you feel your child must
be controlling in most situations (has to pick the game played, must dominate conversation, must choose all friends playing a game), talk to him. Explain everyone must have a turn being the leader. If the behavior continues, set consequences and follow through.

3. Set an Example. Teach your child through your actions. If you say,
“What a stupid answer that boy gave to that question,” your child learns it
is acceptable to talk negatively about others. When you push another adult
in an altercation at the grocery store, your child sees aggression is acceptable. If you have an issue with rage when you get upset, your child learns acting out when frustrated is okay. Look at the way you react in various situations, and teach yourself techniques for coping with aggressive behaviors or negative statements if you find they are a problem.

4. Teach Empathy. A child who cannot ‘see’ the other person’s feelings will
not understand why picking on someone is so damaging. A 1992 study showed that a baby, when listening to another baby’s cry of distress, are more likely to cry, but this sense of empathy will not continue to grow if a parent does not follow up. Parents must teach empathy, and this can be done through talking about the feeling (“The way you helped the lady open the door was very kind; you must have known she was struggling.”); show examples of empathetic behavior (help an animal in distress, or volunteer for those less fortunate); talk about your child’s feelings after a difficult situation (“How did you feel when Mary said she didn’t like your shirt?”); show how what your child says may hurt another (“How would you feel if she had called you that name?”).

5. Role-play appropriate social interactions. Dr. McIntosh says, “Usually a bully doesn’t have language to learn to ask for help, or to engage in some healthy social situations.” Show your child how to do this by setting up scenarios and acting them out, so that when something similar happens child will have appropriate responses.

6. Get help. If your child has become aggressive, moody, depressed, or withdrawn, or if he is displaying bullying type behaviors with peers, pets, or family members, seek a professional’s help. School counselors and child psychologists can offer excellent tools for dealing with aggressive children. Addressing this behavior early on can prevent it from becoming worse and can ultimately save many hurt feelings, and possibly a life.