Healing a Broken Heart

As we travel through life, we eventually encounter that most unwelcome of all companions—loss and heartbreak.

There are many kinds of losses: a job, a move that separates us from friends, a death. The loss of a love relationship ranks near the top of stressful life events. It is so devastating because we are hit with so many losses all at once—big and small, tangible and intangible.

If you were embroiled in high conflict, bouncing back can be particularly difficult when the “corpse” from the dead relationship still has the audacity to keep walking around! The lack of closure only adds more agony to the already broken heart.

At the core of all this devastation lies the greatest loss of all—the loss of sense of self.

In reality, recovery really means reclaiming your true identity, the golden essence of who you truly are. The good news is that it is a process that has a beginning, a middle, and an end.

In the beginning, nearly everyone is hit, to a greater or lesser degree, with the painful emotions of hurt, anger, guilt, and fear. Where you go from there is up to you. People who successfully navigate through and beyond this stormy transition take this sad, confusing time for inner questioning and deep reflection.

In picking up the pieces they create new hopes and dreams. They learn from their mistakes to create healthier relationships in the future. They get back in touch with what they value and break free from old patterns to redefine who they are.

To successfully rebuild your life, here are eight tips to get you started down the healing path.

1. Live in the present. I know, it is tough. You cannot get thoughts of your ex out of your head. Of course it is natural to think about what might have been, could have been, should have been—if only you could do it all over again. But you cannot. That door is closed forever. Choose not to be a victim. Focus on you and your actions, not those of others.
• Where are you avoiding taking responsibility for your life?
• What daily routines, habits, or rituals will help keep you grounded?

2. Say good-bye to all that you have lost. Make a list of the good, the bad, the big, the small, the hopes and dreams, the companionships, the house, the security, the favorite picture, and so on. You cannot let go of the past and move on until you know exactly what you are letting go of.
• What do you need to let go of? How can you simplify your life today?

3. Give yourself lots of time to grieve your loses deeply and fully. Grief is not something you can get over, around, under, or otherwise avoid. You have to go right through the pain and darkness before you can reach the light on the other side. Allow yourself to cry, then cry some more. It is okay. You will not get stuck here. It is all part of the healing process.

4. Take really, really good care of yourself. Grieving is hard work. More than ever right now, you need to be getting lots of rest and quiet time and be eating well and nurturing yourself.

Find activities that will replace all those toxic stress chemicals with more productive, positive ones. You have heard of the “runners’ high”? That is sort of what you are looking for. Any physical activity, even walking briskly, will raise your endorphins, those “feel good” chemicals.
Have you ever noticed that you tend to take good care of things that are important to you—things that you care deeply about? Taking care of you gives you the message that you are important.
• How can you eat smart and exercise today? How will you nurture and pamper yourself?
• What will you do to have more fun today?

5. Vent all that rage that is stored up inside you. If you do not get it out, it will just eat away at you, possibly for years and years. What a waste of a good life! I knew a woman who took up kickboxing following her divorce. You can just imagine the thoughts she had while she was practicing! But she released her rage in a healthy manner and got fit to boot!
• How can you use all that powerful emotional energy to kick you forward and take back control of your life?

6. Take stock of what is left. No matter how difficult things were, it is likely that something positive came out of your relationship. It is time to consider that good.
• In what ways are you enriched, stronger, better?

7. Set small, daily goals. Decide what tasks are most pressing, and then determine how you will get them done.
• What do you want to accomplish today, next week, next month, this year? What is even one tiny action that will move you forward toward your goals today?

8. Reclaim yourself. Chances are, you gave up a lot of who you really are by taking care of others in your relationship. The most important person to please is yourself. Learn to say no. You become more authentic when you live according to what is really important to you.
• How can you get back into integrity with yourself? Are you living by your values?

9. Welcome the future. Sure, some days look bleak, but the fact remains, there is more to life than pain, grief, and frustration. It is not too early to start painting a picture of your new life.
• What do you want your new life to look like? What door has just opened for you? What new opportunities are available, or what have you been putting off that you have no excuse for now?

Yes, this ending has deeply impacted you in so many ways—not only your life as you once knew it, but also, your sense of self has been shattered. You are bound to change in some way.

But things were different in your life a year ago, and things will be different a year from now. This is the next chapter of your life. You get to write the script any way you want it. Is it going to be a third-rate paperback or a best-selling novel full of passion and adventure? Only you can decide.

Your grief is meaningless until you learn how to use it as a stepping stone to your personal power and full potential. When you find some meaning for your pain, when you understand the precious gift of your life lessons, presented to you on this portion of your journey, you will be truly transformed.

Change is inevitable. Why not control it by reinventing yourself and making the changes you want?

** This article is one of 101 great articles that were published in 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. To get complete details on “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life”, visit http://www.selfgrowth.com/greatways3.html