Surviving The Holidays With The In-laws

This live chat event took place on November 14, 2005

Moderator: Good evening and welcome to our chat, "Surviving the Holidays with the In-Laws," with our very own Dewey, and NatalieL. As we all know the holidays while a source of great memories and fun, can also be a stressful time of year for us and our family's, because of tension between you and the in-laws. Tonight let's share our ideas, and tips on handling that stress, and we'll share our in-law horror stories. And I am sure that we all have some.

Dewey, Natalie, I want to thank you for hosting this tonight. I can't wait to hear some of your tips and tricks.
Natalie, why don't you start with a story about why your in-laws stress you out?

NatalieL:
OK. My husband's brother's sister LOVES to take control of all events. When she just came for Sam's birthday she took Sam away out in the road and said it doesn't matter that she's sure Sam wants Mom more than anyone else she's going to just have to deal today. Then they proceeded to take Sam's presents out of the boxes and make a mess in my living room all because my nephew wanted to play with Sam's new Disney Princess mega block set they'd bought her. Yes, that's right, my nephew couldn't wait to play with the toys so they opened them for me. We still have a pile of boxes that we have to go through to make sure that they got everything out! That's just my most recent story.

Nytewind: Wow how rude! Glad my husband doesn't have siblings.

NatalieL:: My father-in-law didn't go to our wedding because he thought Dan was too young to get married.
He was 25!

Nytewind: So are you saying that the holiday season will be a bit stressful Natalie?

NatalieL: Yeah. kind of wish Sam's birthday was opposite the holidays. This year it's her birthday, then Thanksgiving, and then some of them will be coming again for Christmas! We're central to everyone now. I'm not exactly thrilled!

Moderator: So how do you deal with it?

NatalieL: Well, in the middle of Sam's birthday party I had some of "Natalie's patented headache remedy" -- a glug of whiskey. I'm embarrassed to even admit it!

Nytewind: Mr. Daniels has saved me a time or two.

NatalieL: For the most part I just try to avoid conflict though and remind Dan that it's his family. (Dan's my hubby)

Nytewind: My stress isn't so much his family as it is mine.

NatalieL: Oddly enough, the sister-in-law I used to try to avoid the most is now better and the one I used to chat with has gotten worse (the other in-law).

Nytewind: Well I can share about my former mother-in-law. She's a Jehovah's Witness but hated to be left out of the holidays. When we would have Christmas Eve at our house it was a large affair with friends and family most of the day and night. And here she would sit -- telling everyone how she wasn't celebrating the holiday; she was just there to watch the kids. Now the ex-husband lives with her and she leaves the house on birthdays, but is there for Christmas
so they don't get a tree or anything like that there.

NatalieL: This is our first Thanksgiving with both families and since it's at my house I'm cooking the turkey. But my mother-in-law was frustrated and wanted to bring one. She lives 2 hours away. She can already ruin a bird better than anyone I know -- God only knows what it would taste like after it made the 2-hour trek. I made Dan tell her I really wanted to be in charge of the bird so she's bringing an extra breast and a bunch of wings. Dan's sis likes wings so my mother-in-law will bringing like 8 of them for one person. At least the real bird was spared! That was the compromise I made with Dan so he didn't feel like he was shutting his mom out entirely.

Nytewind: IGA is providing dinner for my house this year. The same as last year, and the year before.

MissyJ: My family is all here and crawls out of the woodwork come holiday time. They show up for meal and presents.

Dewey: The fact that the drunk has racked up over $3600.00 in dental bills on T's and mine name, or the fact that T's dad has blown $156,000 gambling in the last 2 months makes holidays with them a bit stressful, to say the least.

jbenedetti: Every year for Christmas we go to my in-laws and stay with them in a small condo (1 master, 2 very small bedrooms, 4 adults, 2 poodles -- no privacy ) so this year we have a new baby and decided to stay in a hotel. My mother-in-law is losing her mind. It's a disaster so far...don't people do this? I don't want to cause World War III, but I don't know how it will work otherwise.

MissyJ: Oh, good for you on the hotel!

NatalieL: Stay firm if you can! It will be so much easier to stay at a hotel. And less pressure if your baby's crying at night or something.

Nytewind: It gives you some breathing room.

MissyJ: Actually -- running away to a hotel / cabin, hidden cave works, too.

jbenedetti: That's what we thought. I've been getting severe guilt trip -- "it's a slap in our faces," "this is hurtful," "making me mad," etc.

NatalieL: People hate the fact that we co-sleep. We actually kept it a secret for a while.

MissyJ:
Put it to her just as we said... That you are needing some space to be able to keep the baby on his/her routine and that you want to be able to enjoy your time with them versus feeling apologetic over having the baby keep everyone up, etc.

jbenedetti: Missy, we tried that and are still getting a lot of guilt -- "taking away time with our grandchild," "it's not easier," etc.

NatalieL: Tell them your baby cries a lot at night and it's easier if it's quiet with no distractions.

MissyJ: Just keep standing firm. I know that it can be hard with the guilt. Try to reassure that you will be there most of the time but as a new mom you need some privacy.

viiolet: Your child's welfare is first and you need to do what's best for your family not theirs.

Nytewind: Sure, with new schedules, and babies they seem to need their routine and their quite time, too.

Dewey: I'm thinking of hanging a quarantined sign on my door for the holidays with some nice sprigs of holly around it...I'm thinking it will be quite festive.

NatalieL: With a trip to the grandparents you know they're going to be all in her face and she'll be freaking out and need to get out somewhere dark and quiet. And you will, too!

jbenedetti: I agree with all of you and think it sounds very reasonable, but how do you respond to hysterics?

NatalieL: Make your hubby deal with the hysterics.

MissyJ: Don't argue. Let them know your plan and nod accordingly when they present all the arguments.

Dewey: I learned the hard way...never let the in-laws think they can walk all over you. It will just get worse as the years go by and even cause stress in your marriage.

MissyJ: Tell them that you understand their feelings and are so grateful that they appreciate what you feel most comfortable with. Beyond that, change the subject or allow you husband to handle -- but only if you think that he will back you up. Then, book your hotel.

Nytewind: Just let him know how much you appreciate him standing with you on this.

NatalieL: I agree with Angelia there. Make sure he feels REALLY appreciated.

Montys_Mom: It was a tough couple years when I had to live with my mother in-law.

MissyJ: Even if you do give in there would be something else that they would be upset about.

NatalieL: My mom had in-law problems and Dad was never good at standing up to them.

All4Matthew: My mother-in-law comes to my house all the time and most of the time only speaks to my husband,
won't speak to me usually. My cousin's mother lives with her, has for 15 years. My aunt Mary will not speak to my cousin's husband for nothing and hasn't since she moved in.

Lilmrsj: In the 8 plus years my husband and I have been married, my brother has called me twice. The first because mom told him he had to since I had just given birth to his first niece and the second after my husband was injured at work in a serious car accident. He didn't call to be supportive but to tell me that it's not nice to leave a message "like that" on anyone's phone.

For the first 3 years after my husband finished the academy we were not allowed to talk about him being a cop in front of them because they didn't want us to influence their children in "that way." My sister in-law told my husband that he didn't deserve to wear his army dress uniform at our wedding because he wasn't in the "real army" and that being activated for a year doesn't count.

Mom tells me that "everyone" is going to evil sister in-law and my brother's house for Thanksgiving and that I should bring dessert and plan to stay the weekend. She is really insisting that I be there. She talked to evil sister-in-law about it already and told evil sister-in-law to call me. I'd love to go because some of my cousins I haven't seen in over 10 years will be there.

Now evil sister-in-law has NOT called me. So I feel real uncomfortable with going. I have had no invite from them at all but mom insists that I should be there.

NatalieL: Is there any chance of you healing the rift between you and your brother?

Lilmrsj: He and I are fine, it's all her. She originally got mad because I got pregnant at the same time as her and stole her thunder. Mom wants me there and I sort of want to be there. The kids want to see their cousins but
here's the kicker. My 30th birthday is that Sunday and I want it to be a happy occasion because I've been looking forward to it for a long time. I'm just afraid she'd ruin it for me because she thinks I'm too young regardless of what I do or anything.

Nytewind: If you get no response then don't go.

Lilmrsj: But what would I say? I don't want to invite myself.

Dewey: I would tell your mother that your sister-in-law has not reached out to invite you, and that if it's so important that you be there then she needs to get over herself and make some sort of invitation to you and your family.

NatalieL: I think there's got to be a way to email her (or maybe just your brother, if possible) and say that you'd like to be a part of the holidays.

Nytewind: Your mom wants you there, then she needs to make sure you are invited.

Lilmrsj: That's my thought too but leaving it up to her is not effective. Last year, we had a family gift exchange.
Evil sister-in-law and brother got husband and me. We were the only ones in the family to not receive gifts. They are wealthy and we had to scrape together money for gifts so this year I just bought small gifts for each family and will not participate in the exchange. When they ask why I'll explain that we never got a gift last year and didn't feel it was a good plan anymore.

Dewey: You know, though, that kind of stuff really does hurt. I haven't ever even gotten so much as a happy birthday from my in-laws EVER and they make sure to go completely out of the way for everyone else's birthday -- even our hired men.

NatalieL: Does your mom understand just how bad things are between you and evil sister-in-law?

Lilmrsj: Yes.

Dewey: Can you call your brother and tell him that your mom has said it's important for you all to be there, but you don't feel comfortable with not being invited by them?

Lilmrsj: I only ever get their machine and they never return phone calls except that one.

NatalieL: Does he have a cell? Work number? Work email -- some way to get in touch with him that doesn't involve talking to your sister-in-law?

Lilmrsj: Nope. His job doesn't have an out-going line. He does top-secret stuff for the government; works on a military base that sort of thing.

Dewey: I'd say your best bet...even if it isn't a good bet is to go through your mother.

NatalieL: Yeah. And make sure she remembers it's your birthday and you don't want drama so you reserve the right to bail out.

Lilmrsj: I've tried, but she's just ineffective. She doesn't follow through, hates and avoids conflicts. My poor husband is all the way in Houston this week and made the mistake of calling only to have me completely break down on the phone over all of this and work stuff, too.

Dewey: If it ends up you don't get the invite send out end of the year letters to all your other family and let them know you weren't able to see them through the holidays because your evil sister-in-law and your brother would not include you in the festivities.

viiolet: Sounds like maybe you just need to talk to your sister-in-law. Tell her that you know she may not like you, but that your mother has asked if you could attend and would like to know if you're invited or not.

Lilmrsj: I'll call mom first this weekend when my mother-in-law is here.

Jules: Sorry I'm late. I shopped for kirk's mom and then she didn't look so great, so took her blood sugar and it was really low. I waited for the orange juice to take effect before I left.

NatalieL: You have to help take care of your Mother in-law Jules? You must have tons of horror stories then!

Jules: She is 87, diabetic, legally blind and probably one of the sweetest people I know. No horror stories with Mother in-law.

All4Matthew: I am glad she is a good person, since you spend so much time with her.

NatalieL: 87? That's nice you get along so well though!

Jules: I didn't enjoy my father in-law quite as much. He was, well, eccentric, but we co-existed pleasantly enough.

NatalieL: My father in-law probably didn't say 100 words to me before we got married.

Nytewind: My father in-law is abrupt and chauvinistic but he never means it in a bad way.

Lilmrsj: My dad thinks that aliens rule the earth and in a few years our planet will be sling-shot out of it's current orbit and into another galaxy to save it from the "bad aliens". This is from a man who has a bachelor's degree in Bible and was a Church of Christ preacher. Totally opposite from what he thought just a few years ago.

NatalieL: That's sad. It's hard to watch parents get older and deteriorate.

Nytewind: My dad's mother had hardening of the arteries, they said it wasn't Alzheimer's but I worry that as my dad gets older he will forget me. My Dad is 58 and its slipping fast for him.

Jules: My mom forgot my brothers, but she remembered who I was.

Nytewind: That has to be hard.

Jules: It was. My oldest brother was that guy who gave her candy.

NatalieL: My Father in-law's around 71 or 72 but seems to be just his normal crotchety self. He shakes though, so we think he might have Parkinson's.

Nytewind-Moderator: Well ladies, I can't believe it's been an hour already! Time is up for this chat, I hope we were able to learn something about how we can deal with our in laws with minimum stress. This can be a difficult time of year for us. I look forward to seeing you all at our next chat. Until then, we have the Dealing With the In-Laws board, be sure to check it out. Don't miss more of our exciting live chats, you can find a full schedule on the homepage.