I hear from a lot of folks who are trying to decide if their marriage is worth saving. They often want to tell me the details of their marriage and then get my opinion as to whether they should fight for their marriage or just give in and call it quits. The thing is, I never feel that I'm really qualified to make or even influence this decision. This is a very personal situation and a marriage is sacred. The decision to end it is very serious and lasting. That decision should be made by the people within the marriage. That said, I'm very biased because I worked tirelessly to save my own marriage (More on that here.)
Nonetheless, on an almost daily basis, I hear from people who are trying to determine if their marriage is worth the effort to save it. So I've developed the 5 quiz questions (with true or false answers) that follow. I hope that what you find will hopefully at least give you a place to start. Of course, I do not advocate making any decisions about your marriage based on anyone's quiz. But I hope that you will use this as a starting point to think about where you want to go from here. And perhaps some of the questions will bring up some insights that you haven't yet considered.
The questions below have true and false answers. Sometimes, the answer might be somewhere in between or you might struggle to find an either/or answer. Just do the best you can and choose the answer that seems the most appropriate. I have indicated the preferable answer after each question with an explanation of why I feel it's preferable.
Question #1: True Or False: I No Longer Have Any Feelings At All For My Spouse. I'm Just Completely Numb At This Point: (For this quiz, "feelings are defined as any at all. In other words, anger, frustration, love, and affection all count as feelings.) I know that this seems very simplistic but when a marriage is really and truly over (and some would argue not worth saving,) there aren't any feelings left. This includes anger, frustration or even what one might define as hatred. (That's why the preferable answer here is false.)
People often tell me that they assume that if they are feeling very negative things toward their spouse, this is one indication that their marriage isn't worth the trouble to save it. I disagree with this. If ANY feelings are still there, to me, it indicates that you still care and / or are invested enough to respond. Numbness is worse than negative feelings as far as marriages go, even if it doesn't feel that way at the time. Even hurt or indecision can be good signs that the feelings aren't completely dead.
Question #2: My Spouse And I No Longer Have Any Common Ground: I often suggest that people focus on the things that bring them together when they are trying to save their marriage, especially in the beginning when things are still awkward and forced. Being able to agree on core things (even if you can only agree that the marriage is in trouble and you want to save it) gives you a starting point on which you can both focus. This makes the whole process a little easier to navigate and your shared values give you something on which you can place your focus.
Not having any common ground doesn't always mean that your marriage isn't worth saving, but it can mean that you might have a harder time and struggle a bit more when attempting this. If the answer to this question isn't obvious to you, then take some time to reflect on where you may or may not have a common focus.
Question #3: If I Try, I Can Remember The Good Times In My Marriage. When I Look Back, I Can Recognize Good Qualities In My Spouse (And Good Memories With Them:) The obvious preferred answer here is true. When trying to save your marriage, there's a very important distinction between being disappointed or disenchanted with the marriage and having these same feelings about your spouse. If despite your differences and your struggles right now, you can still look at your spouse and see a decent and honorable person with whom you enjoyed a good and solid relationship (even if it isn't that way now) then this is a good foundation on which to build.
Frankly, when people tell me that they can't find one redeeming quality about their spouse or can't look back on their marriage with any nostalgia or longing, then that does cause some concern. It's eventually important that you separate the problems in your marriage with the person who is your spouse. And marriages are usually much more fulfilling and happy if you respect, genuinely like, and can share good times with your spouse. (That doesn't mean that you have to feel this way now, but it helps to believe that it's possible eventually.)
Question #4: Being Right Is More Important To Either Of Us Than Being Happy. One Or Both Of Us Considers Compromise To Be The Same As Giving In: The preferred answer here is false. When you are saving your marriage (or even trying to be happy within it,) there is often going to come a time when you will need to compromise and put your spouse's needs above your own - at least some times. Your spouse will need to do the same. The key is to decide which issues are most important to you and which you're willing to back away from. However, some people become so invested in being right or in not giving in that they are just never willing to compromise.
And this inability to yield causes resentment, anger, and negative feelings that can make the marriage almost impossible to be happy or content in. I have seen many couples shift their marriage by changing their attitude about this very topic. They vow to become happier in their marriage. They want to laugh and play more and not take all of this so seriously. And so they let go a bit. And believe it or not, this can make all the difference.
Question #5: One Or Both Of Us Are Willing To Feel Vulnerable, To Step Outside Of Our Comfort Zone, And To Trust Our Heart Rather Than Our Heads And Our Doubts: The preferred answer to this is true. Many people see saving their marriage (or living within one that is struggling) as a very difficult and painful process. Many people anticipate difficult and painful conversations with a lot of tears and pain. Or they think that if they stay in a struggling marriage, they will have to learn to live as best they can when they aren't really happy. It truly doesn't have to be this way.
I have seen more people save their marriages (and he happy in them) by focusing on the positive and by being willing to have new experiences with their spouse to reconnect, while not worrying so much about the day to day drudgery of saving a marriage of our analyzing their every thought and problem.
Yes, you will need to look at and hopefully solve your issues. But the issues do not define your marriage. The people define the marriage. Their actions, behaviors, and habits define their marriage. If you have fallen into bad habits, then you must be willing to change course even if that is uncomfortable and feels foreign at the time.
At times, you may have to be the one to make the first move or say what needs to be said. Both people can't sit there and wait for the other to make the move. Sometimes, improving or saving your marriage involves taking a deep breath and diving in.
If I Answered Wrong Does This Mean My Marriage Isn't Worth Saving?: Absolutely not. These questions were just meant to show you where your strengths, weaknesses, advantages, and disadvantages are. If you see something here that inspires you to take action, make a change, or take a chance, then that's the whole point.
And you know what? The fact that you researched the information in this article and sat down and got to the end tells me something very important. It tells me that you are still invested in your marriage - and this could certainly be an indicating that your marriage is one that is worth saving.
There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at its end and not worth saving. My husband was distant and withdrawn and eventually suggested a divorce. I resented this for a long time. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle, and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
There are more links to articles about saving your marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com/